Devinia Lavan-Iswaran speaks to Julie Bissett about her experiences with domestic abuse and how she pulled herself up from rock bottom to excel in life and dentistry.
Life is full of challenges, but it is how we rise above them that defines us. However, you get the distinct feeling that Devinia Lavan-Iswaran – known as ‘Coco’ – is keen to kick back on that premise. There is little indication of the abominable domestic abuse and horrific marriage breakdown she endured, except for the oftentimes fleeting inclusion of it in her lectures and on episodes of the Dental Leaders podcast and, more recently, on The Dental Woman’s Podcast, where she spoke extensively on the ordeal as a guest.
Rollercoaster ride
At the time of the abuse and subsequent arrest of her husband and father of her kids, Devinia was shocked to find herself in such a scenario. Her life made miserable by her ex-husband, she found strength knowing she had an overnight bag she’d secretly stored at her practice for the moment she might have to flee.
‘Domestic abuse was always portrayed on TV as happening in deprived communities,’ she says. ‘I couldn’t see past how I could simply leave. What about our toothbrushes – and the kids’ school uniforms? It was only when social services advised me to pack a case and store it at work that I knew I could do it.’
And, it was, she recalls, only thanks to her ‘village’ – family and friends who stuck by her – that she had managed to survive this rollercoaster ride of a relationship thus far.
She views the experience somewhat pragmatically, and emphatically refuses to allow past traumas to define her.
‘We should never be defined by the history of failures, hardships, generational traumas and so on,’ she says. ‘The shame is not ours to bear. You alone are in charge of your happiness and destiny. It does not have to be dictated by someone or something negative.
‘You can restart your life at any point, even in your 70s and 80s. Yes, you can hit rock bottom – God forbid, not more than once, but it happens. You can be sitting on a merry-go-round with a controller, an abuser, a drug user, an alcoholic, someone who has extramarital affairs, or a combination of those. You could even be that very person. Let go, walk away, reset boundaries and forge a new path on your terms.’
Deeper than rock bottom
Deciding to quit a marriage broken by abusive behaviour was tough, she admits. But the journey and healing were surprisingly more challenging.
‘You may relapse and be convinced to return, and you will be called all sorts of names because you dared not take it anymore. I’m not going to sugar-coat it. The truth does not always get seen, believed or heard. You will be so broken at this point that you will speak your truth, but guess what? Your opponent has swagger and confidence. As a narcissist, they will call in the “flying monkeys”.
‘I was browbeaten, sitting in a place I called deeper than rock bottom, trying to keep my head above water that I had to fight for so much, including the truth. But, in those moments, it’s about who tells the more believable story. I came in from a position of frailty. So much more was lost. How do you get on with life? You might fall in love with someone’s potential, but they may ultimately disappoint you. Stay strong and do not welcome the undesirable. Not everyone is meant to stay. Some will offer you a gift or a lesson before moving on.’
Forging a route out of her despair was all about finding the ‘right therapists to help me heal’.
She advises: ‘Find the right coaches to redirect your path and make you accountable for living a better life. Use the experience as leverage to help others. Leave it to the universe to dish out karma. Become better, not bitter. Never let the hard falls harden your heart and steal your soul away.’
Rediscovery
The experience has evidently shaped her. Recently embarking on a course to become a divorce and separation coach suggests an innate need to give back, as she draws on the personal trauma that readily lends itself to what’s required for the role.
Despite this horrific chapter, there remains a visceral joy in life and her chosen profession. A cosmetic dentist, Devinia practises at Malmin Dental in London, is a mentor, clinical adviser, educator, and lectures widely on Invisalign. She trained as a Zumba instructor during lockdown and is a passionate gym goer. Her Instagram bio reads: ‘Queen & Boss Lady, Motivational Speaker and Zumba Instructor.’
This multifaceted profile hints at a positive, can-do approach, and her account showcases a joie de vivre. Her strengths are her ability to embrace all aspects of her life, reclaiming and realising her dreams, and investing in herself. Devinia has spoken widely about rediscovering the confident, fearless girl she once was. But was there a key turning point that made her realise she needed to reconnect with that part of herself?
‘At the Reignite (now Brilliant Beyond Belief) life coaching retreat, Dr Mahmood Mawjee encouraged me to shut my eyes and remember the fearless nine-year-old child with hopes and dreams. It was a compelling exercise as I saw her vision before me. I cried for weeks after seeing her. I made a promise to myself (and her), and whenever I think or speak of that, it makes me emotional as it takes me back to that moment, which was pivotal in helping me break through to live my potential.’
Bossing it
Maintaining resilience and moving forward can be challenging, especially on difficult days when you don’t feel your best. The environment in which dentistry operates can be particularly unhelpful.
Devinia explains: ‘The rug can get pulled from under you any time, many times. Dentists can lead very isolated lives. Our struggles can be overwhelming. It’s OK to fail and fall, but how you pick yourself up counts. Have people around you who you can talk to and those who will lift you and propel you forward. It’s OK to cry. I know I must release, relieve the stress, and be self-soothed.
‘I power pose and call upon my inner superhero. She is called Phoenix Rising. She is fearless and indefatigable and will rise to the challenge. I also have a mantra I repeat to myself. In these moments, I say: “Dress up. Show up. Invisible crown on my head, slick of lipstick, stilettos on my feet. Own it. Boss it”.’
But she acknowledges that she has not achieved this alone and is vocal in her gratitude to the aforementioned ‘village’ and others who support her.
‘While I’m a big believer in seeking therapy to get through challenging times, I also have a core inner circle to whom I am answerable. My life coaches and personal trainer are in this group. They don’t go easy on me and are there to push me on and not let my past or struggles drag me down. They strive for me to live my best life and spur me on to realise my dreams.
‘My advice to others would be to build your village, but also have that core of a handful who are there to push you. This will not necessarily be your mum, dad or husband. They could be mega successful, hustling, change makers, entrepreneurs and extreme coaches. Hang out with them, invest in them. They are the ones to help you make those dreams a reality. They make the difference between unrealised and realised potential.’
Honing in on happiness
When it comes to her professional pursuits, she’s crafted her treatment offerings around what brings her joy rather than focusing on procedures that don’t resonate.
She has a special interest in cosmetic dentistry, including composite bonding, Invisalign, veneers, tooth whitening, and non-surgical facial aesthetics. She practises privately in Holborn and Canary Wharf and holds a diploma in clear aligner therapy.
‘Dentistry is one of those careers where you can decide which strings to add to your bow,’ she says. ‘I knew I did not want to be a jack-of-all-trades. I wanted to hone in on certain procedures and fine-tune them so I could best serve my patients with those, and I have a world of support within the practice group to refer to, specialists to give my patients the best of the rest.
‘In this way, I practise what brings me joy. I follow my Ikigai. Work doesn’t feel like work when you enjoy what you do and patients sense that.’
She describes happiness as infectious and believes patients are drawn to professionals who genuinely love their work.
‘The best of life’s experiences score highly on our five senses: sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch. So, when a patient comes into our practices, what score would they give to what they see (décor, cleanliness, uniforms etc), what they hear (spoken voice, music etc), the smell (of the waiting room, your surgery, of your staff and you), the taste (prophy paste, mouthwash), and touch (hugs, handshakes, the feel of the paper you give them)?
‘To this, we also buy into happiness. How you feel is in your aura. Happiness sells. Patients say it’s palpable. Imagine seeing a dentist to get your filling done and coming away feeling like you not only got your filling done but also are on a higher energy level than the one you walked in with. It’s not easy keeping up that level of energy. I am all for pushing the idea that our clinical lives are not just about seeing our patients, CPD, CQC, DLP, and the GDC. Mental health training must lie at the core of what we do.’
Strength training
Outside of surgery and family life, her gym is another indispensable source of strength.
‘Exercise and dancing release endorphins. I plug into music on my way to work and “dance” like nobody is watching. I dance in the surgery and get the staff to join in. It binds the team. Building and maintaining muscle mass and increasing bone density are essential to protect me from falls and fractures.
‘We need to invest in our health just as we invest financially for our futures. Whatever investment we make now will come back with interest in our future.
‘I used to do a lot of cardio as a trained Zumba and Strong Nation instructor. I now focus on strength and conditioning training. I’m at an age where weight sticks. Doing a workout takes a lot of motivation before or after a hard day’s work. I am determined to put out a message of encouragement on social media to other clinicians, over-50-year-olds, women, and mums: we must work out.
‘Whether at home or the gym, time is never an excuse. I make time – it’s non-negotiable. We need to find ways to hack our happiness, and by doing so, we take care of our mental wellbeing. We cannot effectively fulfil our role as clinicians without a sound mind.’
Where the heart is
When we catch up on a video call, she is ‘back home’ in Singapore, where she was brought up, aside from time spent in England at boarding school. She’s there to celebrate the launch of a documentary and exhibition project managed by her mum, Indra Lavan Iswaran. A ‘creative genius, celebrated chef and award-winning author’, mum has insisted that Devinia be present – far more important for her four children to attend this event than to celebrate her 75th birthday a few weeks before.
Her father is Dr S Lavan Iswaran, a well-respected, much-loved obstetrician and gynaecologist, whose 90th birthday was a milestone also cherished by the whole family who descended on Singapore in January.
It’s 8am BST and 3pm in Singapore. Devinia kindly takes time out of her trip to chat, which we do at length because she has so much to share with an irrepressible zest for life. But suddenly her mother is waiting, as the family is heading out. Even from this distance, it is easy to see how happy she is to be among some key players from her ‘village’. Happily, home is now definitely where her heart is.
