Written by: Alan Stern, DDS
Many of us didn’t grow up in gentle homes. A surprising number of the dentists, hygienists, assistants, and business owners I’ve coached over the years were raised under what psychologists call authoritarian parenting: high control, low warmth, rigid rules, and conditional acceptance. I know this pattern personally. And I’m deeply grateful that, along the way, I had mentors, therapists, and coaches who helped me recognize it, understand it, and eventually choose a different path. Not everyone is that fortunate.
But here’s what I’ve learned:
Those early messages follow us into the operatory and into leadership. They show up in how we respond to stress, how we talk to our teams, how we diagnose and treatment plan, and how we judge ourselves.
Research supports what I’ve seen for decades in my coaching work. People raised under iron-fist parenting often carry forward perfectionism, hyper-responsibility, difficulty trusting others, and a deep fear of criticism. These aren’t flaws of character. They were strategies for survival. The child who stayed hypervigilant to avoid punishment becomes the clinician who must have all the answers, all the time. The young person who feared making mistakes becomes the practice owner who feels compelled to carry the whole business alone.
We see it clinically, too.
Urgency in treatment planning that is rooted not in greed, but in anxiety.
Intolerance for uncertainty or delegation.
Difficulty saying “Let’s slow down and think this through.”
The perceived need to solve every problem, instantly and perfectly.
A team that confuses silence with safety.
And then something very human happens.
When these doctors sit with me—whether it’s at a conference table, a coffee shop, or across the screen—they often take a deep breath and say, quietly:
“I’m tired of being afraid.”
Awareness is the turning point.
When we look honestly at the roots—not to blame anyone, but to understand the wiring—we create freedom. Dentistry becomes a place where we learn to lead differently. We discover that we can become the “secure base” we never had: the calm presence, the repairer of ruptures, the leader who invites input instead of demanding compliance.
And here’s an important truth I’ve discovered, both personally and professionally:
The patterns created by iron-fisted parenting resemble periodontal disease.
They can be understood.
They can be managed.
They can stay under control for long periods of time.
But under stress, fatigue, or old emotional triggers, the symptoms can resurface.
When they do, please hear this:
You are not failing.
You are being human.
Simply notice it, forgive yourself, recalibrate, and continue the lifelong work of growth.
Sometimes, I use the ACE Questionnaire (Adverse Childhood Experiences) as a non-diagnostic awareness tool. If someone’s history is still causing pain—anxiety, panic, depression, emotional shutdown—that’s when I recommend partnering with a therapist. Coaching and therapy together can be transformative.
Readers can explore the ACE Questionnaire here: https://www.acesaware.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/ACE-Questionnaire-for-Adults-Identified-English-rev.7.26.22.pdf.
Research in Gen Z even echoes the theme. Young adults raised under harsh, rigid parenting show higher rejection sensitivity and stress—different generation, same challenge. The legacy persists, but so does the opportunity to grow beyond it.
Dentistry needs leaders who create psychological safety, who value clarity over control, who can say, “I was harsh earlier—let’s reset,” and who understand that excellence is built on trust, not fear.
If you grew up under an iron fist—as many of us quietly did—you are not alone. You are not damaged. You are simply carrying an old script. And you can choose a new one.
And you, your team, your patients—and this profession—will be better for it.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Alan Stern, DDS, retired from clinical dentistry in 2023 and now operates Better, Richer, Stronger, LLC. He is a dental practice coach, keynote speaker, and author.
His book, Enjoy the Ride, is available on Amazon.
Join his Facebook group, strangely called Better, Richer, Stronger.
He can be reached at [email protected].
FEATURED IMAGE CREDIT: Pixel-Shot/Shutterstock.com.
