Written by: Alan Stern, DDS
Dentistry is filled with stress. Patients are anxious. Insurance companies frustrate us. Numbers keep us up at night. In the middle of it all, our words have enormous power—to build or to break, to unite or to divide.
Too often, I hear stories of young practitioners or team members being intimidated or even humiliated in front of peers or patients. I’ve seen it myself. It has to stop. Public call-outs don’t make people better. They make people bitter. And worse—they undermine patient confidence not only in the practitioner being called out, but in the practice as a whole.
Nothing good comes from that.
We can do better. We must do better.
The Science of the Pause
John O’Brien, in Rudeness Rehab, explains that it takes the brain 200–300 milliseconds to register a stimulus, and another 200–300 milliseconds before we even become aware of it. By then, our body has already reacted. No amount of mindfulness can stop that first surge of emotion.
What matters is what we do next. O’Brien lays out a four-step process worth adopting in dentistry:
- Stop. Notice your body’s reaction to stress. Don’t draw conclusions. Don’t speak yet.
As Alanism #69 reminds us: GTFO—Get The Facts Out. - Breathe. Slow, deep breathing signals safety to the body. It’s the foundation of self-control.
- Reflect. Consider your choices. What outcome do you want? For me, it’s always to do no harm and to create a good situation.
- Choose. Select your words and actions based on your values. As Alanism #32 reminds us: Anger—yours or theirs—is fear or pain in disguise.
This pause—Stop, Breathe, Reflect, Choose—is the difference between reacting and leading. And if you can’t craft an immediate response free of fight-or-flight instinct, it’s perfectly acceptable to say:
“Let me process this and get back to you.” That pause might take 7 seconds, 7 minutes, or 7 days.
What matters is crafting a great response, not a quick reaction.
The Weight of Words
Once you’ve paused, you must speak. And here’s where many leaders falter. The wrong words can undo the pause in an instant.
Words like:
- “What were you thinking??!!”
- “You’re not productive enough.”
- “I’m as hard on you as I am on myself.”
Harsh words may feel efficient, but they are toxic. They humiliate, intimidate, and shut people down. And once spoken, they can’t be taken back.
The alternative is to speak with intention:
- Instead of “What were you thinking??!!” → “You said or did (specific thing). If you’re open to some input, I’d be glad to share what’s worked for me.” This creates curiosity and safety.
- Instead of “You’re not productive enough.” → “Your numbers are a bit down this month. Let’s brainstorm how to bring them back up without compromising your standards. And when we hit that benchmark again—we’ll celebrate together.” This ties performance to collaboration and support, not judgment.
- Instead of “I’m as hard on you as I am on myself.” → “I will be as kind to myself and to you as I am to my patients.” Patients love you because you are kind. When your team sees that same kindness, they’ll love working with you—and you’ll love working with them.
One more thing: retire the word feedback. It almost always creates anxiety—the last thing any of us need.
Use input instead. Input is constructive. Input is additive. Input creates a safe space where people feel free to ask and listen.
Leadership as Belonging
Brené Brown says it best: “Man has an irreducible need for love and belonging.”
That includes every dentist, hygienist, assistant, and administrative professional on your team.
Belonging is created—or destroyed—by the words we choose.
When leaders use words that humiliate, they fracture belonging.
When leaders use words that invite curiosity, input, and collaboration, they create belonging.
And when people feel they belong, they give their best.
A Better Way Forward
Dentistry doesn’t need more fear. Dentistry needs more leaders who can pause, breathe, reflect, and choose their words carefully.
Leaders who understand that their team members—like themselves—are doing their imperfect best.
Leaders who replace intimidation with inspiration. Leaders who are kind—first to themselves, then to their teams.
The pause gives us the time. Our words set the direction.
Pause. Choose wisely. Lead with words that build trust, confidence, and connection.
When you help others flourish, you flourish too. And when your team thrives, your patients thrive—and so does your practice.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Alan Stern, DDS, retired from clinical dentistry in 2023 and now operates Better, Richer, Stronger, LLC. He is a dental practice coach, keynote speaker, and author.
His book, Enjoy the Ride, is available on Amazon.
Join his Facebook group, strangely called Better, Richer, Stronger.
He can be reached at [email protected].
